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Sunday, 18 May 2003

(Letter 004)

Dear Grave Matters,

I've been noticing something rather odd lately, and have only just begun to remark upon it. Whenever something sharp is jammed into me, such as a sword, knife, or letter-opener, it creates the oddest sensation. I immediately start to gush a reddish fluid, and feel rather sick. I was wondering if this is normal or if I should seek help. I don't want to be considered a freak or anything.

Hoom, hm. That is, indeed very odd, hoom. Sharp things can and should cause your sap to leak, but sap should not be reddish, hm, hoom. Perhaps you have some sort of fungus or insect parasite. A tree surgeon may be needed, hmm. But, let's not be hasty, hoom. First you should stop whoever it is that is trying to cut you down. Hoom, hrum. I will be sure to bring this up at the next entmoot, hroom. We cannot abide attacks from swords, knives, and whatever letter openers are, now can we? Ha-room. It was good of you to bring this to my attention, young hasty one, hmm. Hoom.


(Letter 005) Dear Grave Matters,

I have crush on my best friend, but I don't think he likes me in that way. I'm not sure whether I should tell him or not. What do you think I should do?

The Dancing Uruk-Hai
An unvoiced attraction to a handsome warrior you admire can be a dangerous thing and could lead you down an unforseen path. One minute you're harboring secret thoughts for a man you can't have, and the next you're fighting for your life against a 4,000 year old undead sorcerer and his giant bird. Tell your friend your true feelings, but be prepared for the possibility that he may not return your love. I wouldn't want you to fall into the cross-dressing trap that I did. It was nearly the death of me.


(Letter 006)

I am the Goddess Who Isn't There. You see, I am not there because I am here! But if I wasn't here, I would be there, but that would not be possible because I'm not there. Therefore, I must be here. So I am not there, but here. Unfortunately, to someone else I am there, and that would mean I'm not here. But if I'm not here, I would be there which is clearly impossible. I could not be there because that is not here. Now a question Am I here or there?

Yours in darkness,

Shhh! Ssh! Not here! Not there! Fool! The Eye sees you wherever you are. Goddesses mustn't be silly with tricksy riddles. No good asking questions without answers. He'll catch us and then you'll be there and wish you was here. Gollum.... gollum.


(Letter 007)

Whenever I have to do homework, I keep stalling it. I say to myself that I will do it tonight. But at night I say, I’ll do it during lunch. During lunch I refuse to and think that I can manage. And I keep getting bad grades. What can I do to get myself to do homework?

Greetings from Bordarigorn
I have found that the best way to keep on task is to tell yourself you can’t do something else you like until you finish it. For instance, I told myself I could not destroy any civilizations until I finished crafting my one ring. That was difficult, but ultimately worth it. Alternatively, if you really hate doing your homework you could always overthrow your school from the inside.*

Sauron the Great

See Questions from other weeks.

What is Grave Matters
and how do I get my
questions answered?

*DISCLAIMER: Middle-earth characters are fictional, as are the answers they might give in Grave Matters. The Barrow-Downs is not responsible for anything that happens as a result of following the suggestions found here.

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