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Sunday, 29 June 2003

(Letter 024)

Greetings: I am dating a wonderful woman. I would like to marry her. However, my sister is a nymphomaniac, my father a felon, is still in prison, convicted of arson, my mother is a kleptomaniac and my brother is severely mentally deficient. My problem is this: Should I tell her I am an attorney?


Lost in Love
If she loves you, it shouldn't matter that you turn knees for a living. Never heard of that, myself, but I do know that true love sees past race, disability, and the tendency to sneak around forests peeping at pretty dancing elves. A good test of love can be breaking into secure fortresses together. Perhaps a jail break for your father is in order.

Beren, the One-Handed

(Letter 025)

To whomever can help a maiden in distress;

I have recently been made aware that a young knight (okay so he's a few years older than me) has been really friendly to me lately.I have liked this knight for some time because of his quiet confidence...kindness... intelligence... sense of humour... he really is very handsome...Anyway *cough* his signals are a little confusing, and I can't really tell if he's just being nice, or wants to be good friends, or something more. I don't want to offend him, I want to stay friends, but I really wouldn't mind something more, because he is a really, really wonderful knight in shining armour.

What do I do? He is over 20 under 23, I am younger by more than 3 less than 5 years, but I've been told I am very mature and responsible for my age. I was taught in the home all my school years, and my friends have always been two years older. All the other maidens near to me started the courting process 3 to 5 years ago, yet I held off not wanting to have a broken heart 20 times before I was mature enough to find Mr. Knight, but now he's here and I'm very nervous. What if I look too eager? What if I am too cautious and he rides his horse into the sunset without me?

Please help me,

Maiden In Distress
Let me see if I can figure this out . I'm good at figurin'.

"Over 20 under 23" obviously means older than 3. "3 less than 5 years" means 2 years. "started the courting process 3 to 5 years ago" equals 243 years. By my calculations, and since you are a Elf (who else has 20 hearts?), you are 288 years old, he is 576, and you should have made your move when you were 45.

Forget the horse, you missed the bus! Elves and Knights never mix, and things don't get good until after sunset anyhow, so I say to you its time to mingle with someone more likely to light your fire. Me!

After all, I meet your criteria!

I'm confident of my prowess in backstabbing, kind of interested in the feelings of others as long as they don't interfere with my own, intelligent enough to figure out tough math problems, funny as a hog-tied Morgul rat in an roiling lava pit, and handsomer even than Slubgob's famous uncle. I'm the orc for you!

Snkdl, lonely Mordor Mathematician (SMOSMID)

(Letter 026)

Dear Son of Eru who will read my letter...

I'm 17, i love Tolkien's Books, Elves and everything that's fantasy...but my "friends" always tell me that i'm a stupid and i must abandon that kind of things to think something more concrete...but i don't want to! i have seen integral version of FotR about 28 times, and i'm watching it the 29th!!! I absolutely love elves and Sindarin language (well, i like more Quenya than Sindarin, that's easier =P) and my "friends" always try to take 'em away...what should I do? Fanor rocks. with best wishes,

[~Morlach Faring~]
In the old days we'd've gutted you like a pig for saying things like that. Since the Boss is gone we can't go round getting rid of all the useless tripe we have following us like rags. Sha, bloody elf words. Keep that talk up and we'll grind you into the dirt.


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