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Sunday, 13 July 2003

(Letter 030)

Dear whoever answers this,

I met this guy a couple of weeks ago, but I never get to see him. I have a crush on him and I'm too nervous to call his friend. I've tried to talk but I can't talk to guys I like. What should I do?


Larien Vardimir

Once I saw the most beautiful woman alive. Her hair was rippling like gold dug from the veins of the earth, and her eyes shone like jewels polished by the craftsmen of old. But when it was my turn to speak to her, I could not open my mouth. So as one would-be lover to another, here is what you should do. Disregard the fact that your head only comes up to his waist, disregard the fact that he is married to a pale ineffectual pointy-eared wimp, disregard the fact that your ideal match ought to have a full growth of beard, and just ask him for a single hair of his head. This ought to be enough to earn you the privilege of sailing across the Great Ocean to look upon his beautiful face once more before you die.


Gimli, Son of Gloin

(Letter 031)

Dear Grave Matters,

I have a very critical friend. I mean, she is nice to most of the time, but when I show her something that I made/wrote/did, she usually, if not always, find *something* wrong with it. I used to think it was simply jealousy, but even for minor modest accomplishments, I seem to receive some comment from her saying that it's not right or incorrect or has some great flaw.

I still like her very much, and she is my best friend anywhere, but I wish she would stop critisizing my work.

Please, any advise is great appreciated.

Dearest Airelothiel,

Yes, criticism is a sharp dagger that pierces the heart if you let it, and I let every negative remark from my master thrust deeply. No matter that I held the horse-lords at bay for many, many months; no matter that I personally betrayed the king's son to the White hand; no matter that is was Saruman who let the Grey Wizard escape, not I! Indeed, the better I performed for the White Wizard, the greater ignominy he perpetrated on me, until I could take it no more. His mockery of my handling of the little hobbit 'Chief' proved to be his last.

Perhaps I was not the best person to answer your question. Tell your friend to knock it off or find a new friend.

Gríma Wormtongue

(Letter 032)

To Whom I May Have Begun To Concern,

I have been trying for some time to sort out my future. At present, I have been trying to sort out my future career, but I am torn. I am really interested in music, since I have been singing and composing since I was a child. In my dreams, I would like to become a composer, but it is a very hard career to get into, and I am afraid that I will not succeed. However, I am also good at languages, and can speak English, Spanish and some French (as well as Quenya and Sindarin). I was therefore wondering whether becoming a translator would be a better and more sensible idea.

Do you think I should follow my heart or my head?

Idril Elanesse
Dear Idril,

At one time I was the chief counselor for a great and secret kingdom. In that capacity my skills with both music and languages were well used. If you cannot find a hidden kingdom to finagle your way into, perhaps you can put your skills to use in a secret agency of some kind. Spying is a noble profession. It never hurts to be related to the king, either, though it can get in the way of wooing. On that note, do you look anything like your namesake? I am still a very eligible bachelor.


(Letter 033)

I took a personality test and my results came out to be that Legolas and I have a lot in common. Were we meant for each other? (I hope so.)

In a word, no. Look: John may not have explained this very well, but I'm fictional. Outside of his books and the films made from them I don't exist, which is pretty limiting in a relationship, let me tell you. Aside from that, I'm not really the pretty boy I've been made out to be: among my kin I'm actually considered quite plain. No, my real strength is archery, although I've been known to dabble in running as well. Actually it was the archery that got me involved in that whole Fellowship affair, but that's another story.

Seriously, though: I don't understand all this fuss. I mean to say, I've got a lot of time to waste, but surely your lives are too short to be spent in adoration of a literary personage. No, I'd advise that your compatibility calculations be altered to exclude people who don't exist. Otherwise it's going to get pretty boring. I'm sorry I can't write more, but I've got an axe-fighting lesson in a few minutes, and Gimli doesn't like waiting.

All the best


Next answers will be posted on
Sunday, 27 July 2003

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