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23 Foreyule
T.A. 3018: The Company of the Ring stays in Rivendell preparing for the journey ahead.
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Sunday, 3 August 2003


(Letter 038)

Dear Helpful Helper of the Helpless,

I am nearing the age when most females would leave the homes of their fathers and seek their fortunes on their own, but I am very attached to my family and would not leave them. I am unsure in my own mind even as to how I would fare in the outside world. I feel that I am really the only thing holding my family together and am afraid as to what would happen without me there! What must I do?

Lalwendë the Reluctant
Dear Lalwendë,

Like it or not, eventually all of us must begin to make our own way in the world. Whilst I have to admit that I was chafing more than a little under the harness it was still a difficult decision to leave my own parents and seek new realms. There comes a time, though, when athletic contests simply are not enough to occupy one's mind. Much as I disliked my uncle Fëanor (not least after the business at Alqualondë), his mad expedition couldn't have come at a better time. All the same, I might not have gone through with it, had my father not come along part of the way.

Hopefully you will be spared the rather unpleasant journey my brother and I had to make: almost nothing goes well with winter clothes, and the Helcaraxë doesn't exactly have the most glittering social life in Middle-earth. At the end of it, though, was dear Celeborn, and later Celebrían, and our mutual rule of that nice kingdom near the mountains. Also I can't say that it wasn't flattering when on top of all that I was offered the chance to become a Queen, beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night, and so on; but a girl has to set limits somewhere.

Anyway, things at home had muddled along quite nicely in my absence: although I couldn't actually visit the old places, I receive word now and again and everything is much as I left it. Ingwë still spends most of his time fawning over Manwë and the rest being generally perfect; the same festivals are celebrated in the same places by the same people: in fact it's rather galling to realise just how well they coped without me. Still, I found love and I was for a while the Lady of Lórien, and I don't regret a thing. It's best to run the risks and take what fate gives: to think I'd never have met my husband if I'd hung around in Valinor playing the tom-boy. After all these years I wonder how we did without one another.

So there you have it: go out and make your own way. If you play your cards right you could end up being the de facto Queen of a fair realm beneath the stars, and at the very least you won't end up regretting what you could have done. If you keep your head home will always be there waiting for you, and it will seem all the sweeter for having left. Good luck!

Galadriel


(Letter 039)

To the person that answers these,

I'm really rubbish at monopoly and my dad always wins, so could you give me some tips?

~Lint the Great
My Dear Sir or Madam-

I'm afraid I had a little trouble with your request, as the word "monopoly" is not familiar to me (my great-great-great-grandfather having banned the use of tongues less noble than our own Adûnaic). But after consultation with my wise men Merriam and Webster, I have come to understand it to mean "exclusive ownership through legal privilege". In this case, I would advise you that the surest way to a monopoly is through attack and conquest. The lands of Middle-Earth were peopled by unschooled savages in my day, and likely are the same now. They are easily led, and can even be persuaded to worship you as a god. Through military action you should be able to aquire quite a large monopoly, and after all, when one is King one's word is Law.

As for your father's dominance, simply bide your time. He will pass on eventually and you will inherit all his "monopoly", which you can then increase. To avoid this unfortunate occurence yourself, I suggest seeking immortality at once. Any laws other than your own, were made to be broken.

Ar-Pharazôn


(Letter 040)

Hello Grave Matters!

I want a horse! I mean, everyone in lotr has a horse of their own. Where do they get their horses from? Can I please get the phone number to that person?

Thanks!

Horseless
Dear Horseless,

What do you mean everyone has a horse of their own in LOTR? Have you been watching erroneous movie versions and not reading the real text?

There was that unfortunate scene where Aragorn mistook his horse for his love in a silly dream. But that's not the way it was. That wasn't canonical. And I should know. I was there.

And really, what is this Seventh Age generation coming to that they can't use their own legs but want a lift everywhere?

Did Aragorn, Legolas and I need horses to track down the orcs who abducted Merry and Pip? No, we did not. We hoofed it, ourselves. And you wouldn't believe what it did for the cellulite in my thighs and abs.

Content yourself with being Horseless in Southfarthing. You'll be imitating Tolkien for real then, being truly canonical. He refused to own a car or drive the nasty beasts. But that didn't stop him from renting one, no siree. You can do the same thing too. Get a pony ride at the local fair and save yourself the mucking out of stable stalls. Say nay to owning one.

Gimli


(Letter 041)

Dear whoever will read my letter, I have no friends except my little dog named fluffy. recently, he got hit by a car and died. now i am alone in the world. what should i do?

lonely maiden
My dearest lonely maiden,

Once there was a time when I, too, was alone in the world. My friends and family left me all by myself in Middle Earth to go to their little stronghold in the West. It got pretty desperate. I mean, have you ever tried to make friends with a balrog? So what did I do? I made myself some friends, which they promptly labeled perversions. Now I am alone again. Would you like to join me for tea sometime? The address is simply The Void, but the name is rather deceptive. I find candles have done wonders for making things homey. Come join me! I will be you mast…I mean, er, friend…forever!

Morgoth


P.S. When you come, be sure to bring any silmarils you happen to see lying around. Thanks.


The staff of Grave Matters will be
unavailable for a few weeks.
Next answers will be posted on
Sunday, 31 August 2003


See Questions from other weeks.

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*DISCLAIMER: Middle-earth characters are fictional, as are the answers they might give in Grave Matters. The Barrow-Downs is not responsible for anything that happens as a result of following the suggestions found here.


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