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Sunday, 9 November2003

(Letter 068)

Dear person,

I am deeply upset with Elves, sure they are wonderful and powerful and marvellous, but I can not like them, in fact despite their goodwill and help to aid the free peoples of Middle Earth, I somehow do not like them whatsoever, they annoy me. Is my hatred of Elves unateral and evil?


In a word, yes. Hatred of elves is clearly a sign of all that is wrong with the world. If people didn't take this ridiculous, unjustified exception to us, many great evils would have been averted. Hating the elves is the way of Morgoth, who took it to quite absurd lengths, and you wouldn't want to be like Morgoth, would you? The prevalence of hatred as a significant part of one's personality is a sure sign that you will come to no good.

This is not to say that such division does not exist among even among the elves, but even there it is a problem. For instance, if those silly Teleri hadn't been so caught up in their own culture and so unable to see the larger picture, we wouldn't have had to kill them all. After all we'd done for them, too. You'd think they could appreciate the things you've mentioned a bit more, but everyone is so self centered these days. It is sad to meet another person who thinks the same way. If you could just keep our many virtues in mind, and if you'd cooperate with us when we need some help, Middle-Earth would be a better place, and I'd be richer by a Silmaril or so. You haven't happened to see one, have you?


(Letter 069)

Dear Grave Matters,

I really want to go to England and talk to all the people there with an extremely hill-billy accent and see how they would react. The only problem is I'm afraid I'd never get as far as a couple miles away from home. Also, I don't have an umbrella and don't think I would like all the rain seeing how I live in a place where it is sunny all the time. What should I do? Or should I do nothing at all?


PS: If you were wondering, I don't have a hill-billy accent, but I can talk with it if I want to.


The speech patterns of the Hill-men are all but unintelligible, and I would not recommend emulating them even in jest. They are a wicked people and not to be trusted. Even now, I fear they form alliances with Angmar, and Rhudaur has little chance to stand if that evil sorcerer comes into lordship there. The sun seldom shines in the Weather Hills in these times, so I recommend you stay in your own sunlit lands and remain as far away from our northern woes as possible. Journeying anywhere in Arnor is very dangerous, and I cannot promise the protection you would require. Please consider another destination and a different accent. Assuming that you are of the othd of Gladden, as your name suggests, you might try a trip to Osgiliath using a Woodman dialect. That should prove amusing.

Argeleb I, King of Arthedain, T.A. 1352

(Letter 070)

Dear Fellow Reader/Answerer of my question:

It is now November. The time to be thankful. My only problem is...I can't bring myself to being in a thankful mood. All day and night I always tend to think about my own problems and trials when I should be thinking of others. I should be grateful for everything I have, but I have trouble doing that sometimes. Do you have any advice on how I can improve this horrid state of mind?

There is nothing wrong with a little healthy self interest. Don't concern yourself with pointless ideals like thankfulness when you have treasure to count and hoard. I am more concerned with your namelessness. I am a bit wary of people who don't identify themselves. You don't smell familiar, either. Next time you invade my den you had better tell me who you are, else I might burn the wrong village by mistake.

Smaug the Magnificent

(Letter 0717)

Dear Wise-man/woman that answers this,

I really want to get a horse for Christmas. And I have to convince my parents why this would be a good pet. Please,please,please, tell me something that could convince my parents for a horse.

Thang you very bunch,

Sadly Horseless
Most Fortunately Horseless

Surely you do not really wish to be given such a monstrous gift as a horse for Christmas. By Durin's beard! The wild-eyed beasts are huge, unwieldy, terribly smelly, and enormously expensive to maintain. I'd sooner ride a Mmak as mount a horse again, even if the creature were one of the famous steeds of the Rohirrim. Speaking from experience, if ease of travel is your goal you would fare better with one of our newly-invented and highly ingenious Erebor bicycles. And if your requirement is a furry companion, I'd be happy to drop by for tea anytime.



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