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Sunday, 16 November2003

(Letter 072)

To whomever wise and amazing being answers this question:

My friends want me to go with them on a shopping trip, but the drive is very long and I get carsick. It will be a lot of fun, but I don't have any money anyway. What should I do? Confused Elven Maiden

Dear good lady Vardalithiel,

Have you so quickly forgotten who you are and whence you came that you should thus seek solace and entertainment in frivolous endeavours? Have you, elf who art named for the exalted Lady of the Stars, so turned from the Twilight that you consume yourself with materialism and commercial chatter? Do you wish to become as vain and idle as the most dissolute mall rat? What be there that has pretense to beauty and worth in those morasses of exchange are but pale imitations of the art for which our kind were so nobly noted in days of yore. Can you not recall the beauty of our elven craft, our art that surpasseth understanding, that you must satisfy yourself with the gaudy baubles of degraded men?

Seek instead I beseech you to spend your time in worthy pursuits. Ignore not the sacred domestic arts for off the rack clothing. Take you to the needle and thread of your own devising and sew what items you shall need, whether they be netting the most delicate of laces, or the tiniest stitches of shirts and breeches, or cloaks of many wonders. And if you have raiment enough for yourself, think then of others who have need. And, if still thou havest nothing to do, bide your time in crafting the most beautiful of banners for your boy friend's favourite football team.

This advice I bear witness to myself as the most needful pursuit for womankind.

Yours most nobly,

Arwen Undůmiel

PS. Getting carsick will be a lot of fun?

(Letter 073)

Dear Kindly-Inhabitant-of-Middle-Earth,

My school is having a dance soon, a 'party of special magnifigance' if you will, and I need a date! I am a pretty nice girl, who bathes regularly, and has no horrible disfigurations. I'm pleasant, and not stupid, yet I remain dateless. None of the boys that I know seem interested in me, I can't figure out why!!! Can you give me some pointers on finding the right guy?

Not quite an Orc, and still dateless

You may not be an orc, little lady, but I know an orc that would definitely like to make you date-ful. Me! That's right, darlin' Why bother with loser trolls, wights, and wraiths when you can dance the night away with a Mr. Right? I've got more moves than a steward in a bonfire, more soul than the Paths of the Dead, more cool than a Caradhras stranded halfling, and more steps than the Winding and Straight Stairs combined. Oh yeah! The only pointer I can give you is the obvious one: point your eyes in my direction and nod your head yes. I'll pick you up at 6:30 PM. That should give you time to properly disfigure yourself.

SnŪkdŻl, Your orc in slimy armor

(Letter 074)

Dear Reader,

I have desiced that I, unlike many other horse-rider- wanna-bes, what I really want for Christmas is a good old fashion pick ax, or maybe on of those hats with the light on top. Do you know where my parents would be able to get one?

Dear Raksha,

I can tell you nothing about pickaxes, as delving in the earth, while it may be an worthwhile and interesting way of life, is not mine, and I know nothing about it. However, I am an expert in the matter of hats with lights.

Ownership of such a treasure is a matter of great responsibility. It has certainly changed my life, necessarily doing much to encourage my punctuality and dedication, and doing little to improve my social life. It has also been the occasion of great danger to my wife and to me; you are not the first to desire it. Its protection may no longer be the issue it was, but there may still be those who would covet it. You are quite correct to think that it provides a kind of transportation far superior to horses, but keep in mind that some assembly (of a ship) may be required.

Even should your wish persist, however, you or your parents will find it very difficult to obtain such headgear. I believe that mine is the last model in existence, and I do not wish to sell, although I might be interested in lending it to you. I haven't seen my wife in a while.

Ešrendil the Mariner

(Letter 075)

To whom it may concern:

You see, I have a problem. It is a very large problem. It is a problem that has been plaguing me for a long time and it has grown from slightly large to large and, as I write, it grows larger. I fear it will soon be LARGE. And after that: I'm sure you can imagine. How shall I combat this large and expanding problem of mine?


the elfmelon
Growth is only a problem if you are not prepared. For myself and my good friend, Merry, it meant a whole new wardrobe. We had to order clothing and hats from Bree, so as not to scandalize the neighbors. Of course, we had some fashion help from Gondor and Rohan. Everything looks nice with armor. Since you seem to know you will be growing, you can put in your orders early. If it seems to be too much of a hassle, I suggest merely steering clear of the ent draught.

Peregrin Took

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